so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
