I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
