Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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