today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
