When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
