Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
