Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
