those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just got carded by a ten year old.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
