last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
