I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
found the other keg... it's in the tree
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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