I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
