Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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