Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
