Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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