My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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