How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
