i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
