I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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