my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
