I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
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So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
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Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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