There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
