Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Use "feeling words"
Yay
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
