Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
