If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
