Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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