you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
