Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
