you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
