Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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