Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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