I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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