I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
