Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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