hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Come share oat with me in your robe
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
