Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
