Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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