I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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