I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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