There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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