Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
