Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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