I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.