can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night