Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?