Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
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I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
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Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY