The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
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I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
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I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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