im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
