She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
