I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
