you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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