i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You took a bar mat shot.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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