why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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