Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
