is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
