When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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