At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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