The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
