Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
