Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
