So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
