you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
