I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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