did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
