Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
