Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
